I Want to Help, but No: How Setting Boundaries Freed Me
If you have read any of my previous articles, you may know that I am a mental health therapist who promotes self-care and good mental health care. I talk about the benefits of self-care and ways to practice self-care as well as make products to promote self-care and wellness. I do this work because I truly enjoy working with people.
But I will be honest, I have had to take a lot of my lessons and use them in my own life. There was a period of time when taking care of myself took a backseat to making sure others were well taken care of. I often set aside my boundaries to make sure others were happy. I was wearing my superwoman cape while working a full-time job, running a business on the side, working in the church, and participating in community organizations. I was the person that people called when they needed help, needed a favor, needed to talk, or needed to do a task. I did it because I love helping people, and sometimes it was easier to do the task than to tell someone else how to do it. But then I found myself tired, overextended, and unhappy. I found myself resentful of people, especially people who I thought weren’t doing as much as me. I realized I was struggling with more headaches/migraines, gaining weight, and sleep disturbances. I reached a point when I had to say enough was enough and started to make changes.
“Hi, I am Erika, and I am recovering Superwoman”.
This article is going to help you understand the benefits of setting your boundaries.
What are boundaries and why are they important?
Boundaries are the guidelines we set for ourselves in different areas of life to protect our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Boundaries are not to keep people out, but I like to say they are there to protect you from taking in negative energy and experiences. Setting boundaries helps prevent a person from being overwhelmed, stressed, or even resentful due to overcommitment, or violation of personal space.
Boundaries are important because they help keep our mental wellbeing and emotional health. I like to say, they help keep us from ‘blowing our top’. It helps to keep us from burning out, prevent anxiety, and feeling taken advantage of. Boundaries also help us to build healthy relationships by understanding limits and expectations of self and others and creating positive and respectful connections.
How did the Superwoman make change?
Once I began to realize I was not doing well, I took a step back and evaluated what I was doing wrong with my boundaries. I realized that I needed to clearly communicate my needs. I had to be honest with myself in what I could handle and what I would handle. I began to let others know what I needed. For example, I let people know what my deadlines were for getting me work/assignments they needed me to complete and set realistic timeframes for when I would get them completed. I also communicated when I needed help and what that help looked like. I communicated when I needed a break and I began to take them. I also made sure that I was consistent with my boundaries. Although I may have space freed up, I don’t take on extra tasks. I make sure to protect my time and space. The most difficult thing was probably the letting go of people who didn’t respect my boundaries. It may hurt to let some people or things go but it will open up space for more positivity in your life.
Setting boundaries is not always easy and will require revising as necessary. Do I slip from time to time? Yes, but I forgive myself when I do and get right back on track.
Erika Brooks is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Certified Substance Abuse Counselor in the state of Virginia. She received her Masters of Science in Rehabilitation Counseling from Virginia Commonwealth University. She is the owner of Enlightenment Counseling Services, LLC. She is also a co-author of PEARL: Wisdom and Advice for Emerging Leaders. Contact her are brookslpc@gmail.com