The Hidden Signs of Domestic Violence: What You Might Be Missing
When we think about domestic abuse, images of physical injuries like black eyes or bruises often come to mind. But domestic violence can take many forms that aren’t always obvious, and some signs go unnoticed until it’s too late. Domestic violence affects people from all backgrounds, and recognizing these signs can be lifesaving. As we close out National Domestic Violence Awareness Month this October, let’s shine a light on the subtle yet significant signs of abuse that deserve more attention.
Emotional and Psychological Abuse
Abuse often starts subtly — a process experts call “grooming.” This can begin with isolation from friends and family. Abusers may discourage social connections or make their partner feel guilty for spending time with others, eroding their support system. Over time, this control escalates to verbal degradation, including frequent insults, belittling, or humiliating comments that erode a person’s self-worth and make leaving the relationship feel impossible.
Gaslighting (A Form of Psychological Abuse)
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to make someone doubt their reality, memory, or perception. Here are some common ways gaslighting can appear in a relationship:
Denying the truth:
You: “You said you’d help me with the garage.”
Them: “I never said that. You’re imagining things.”Twisting facts:
You: “I saw you talking to her after you said you didn’t know her.”
Them: “You’re being paranoid. That was John’s sister!”Minimizing your feelings:
You: “It hurt when you called me fat.”
Them: “You’re too sensitive. It was just a joke!”Shifting blame:
You: “You forgot to pick up the milk.”
Them: “If you weren’t nagging me, I would’ve remembered.”
The goal of gaslighting is to make the victim question their perceptions and self-worth, weakening their confidence and sense of reality. That’s abuse.
Sexual Abuse
Yes, it’s still considered rape or sexual assault, even in a committed relationship or marriage. Unwanted sexual contact can include coercion, manipulation, or outright violence. Here’s what it might sound like:
You: “I’ve had a long day, not tonight.”
Them: “You’re too tired to please your partner?” [proceeds to ignore your refusal]You: “No, the kids are still up.”
Them: “If you don’t, I know someone who will.”
That’s abuse.
Financial Abuse
Financial abuse is a tactic to create dependency by controlling a partner’s financial freedom. This might involve restricting access to money, sabotaging job opportunities, or closely monitoring spending. Financial abuse can trap someone in an abusive relationship by cutting off their means of escape.
That’s abuse.
If You See Something, Say Something
Approaching someone you suspect may be experiencing domestic violence can be challenging, but offering support could be lifesaving. Here are some ways to help:
Express concern with compassion: Approach them privately, express your concern without judgment, and let them know you’re there to listen.
Offer emotional support: Reassure them that they are not alone, and that abuse is never their fault.
Share helpful resources: Gently suggest services like domestic violence hotlines, local shelters, or support groups. Professional support can provide options for safety and recovery.
If You’re in an Abusive Relationship
Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest and most dangerous steps. Here are a few things that can help you prepare to leave safely:
Document the abuse: Keep a private record of incidents, such as photos or notes, stored securely. Documentation can support any legal action you might choose to take.
Create a safety plan: Outline steps to take in an emergency, including having a packed bag ready and identifying a trusted contact.
Know your resources: Many communities offer shelters, hotlines, and legal aid services. These resources provide confidential support and safety planning.
Resources for Domestic Violence Support
National Domestic Violence Hotline (US): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) – Provides free, confidential support 24/7.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) – For survivors of sexual violence, offering a crisis line and local resources.
A Call to Action
Domestic violence impacts entire communities, yet it often remains hidden. By spreading awareness, we can help break the silence and support those in need. Talk openly about the importance of healthy relationships, support local organizations, and advocate for policies that protect survivors. Together, we can create a world where everyone feels safe, valued, and respected.
Chef Sharell Johnson is currently located in Columbia, South Carolina. She is the Owner and Executive Chef of Sharell Cooks, LLC and Food and Drink Editor for Hope Magazine. She holds a BA in Journalism/Mass Communication from the University of South Carolina Upstate. When she’s not cooking or writing, you may spot her in her local thrift store or ice cream shop.