Healing Spiritually: Reclaiming My Faith after Trauma
I’ll never forget Friday, April 10, 1987 — the day I went to church with my mother, who had recently given her heart to the Lord. She had always been a partier, but something in her had shifted, and I wanted to understand what had happened. This curiosity eventually led me to give my heart to the Lord too. But what I didn’t realize at the time was how much my spiritual journey would become entangled with pain.
For almost 40 years, I haven’t felt free to share the truth. The same people who introduced me to Jesus were also part of my early experiences of hurt. What started as a search for faith quickly turned into something darker — spiritual abuse. A year after I accepted Christ, someone in the church, someone I trusted, made unwanted advances toward me. That moment triggered memories of the sexual abuse I had endured as a child. I thought I had escaped that pain, but there it was again, in the very place where I was supposed to feel safe.
I rejected her advances, but the rejection came with consequences. She began turning the community against me, and soon I became an outcast. When I tried to confide in two other young people in the church, they advised me to keep quiet. “No one will believe you,” they said. That shattered my trust in the church and in people.
Looking back, I see how deeply that experience tarnished my faith. I doubted my worth and my value to God because the very people who had hurt me were being celebrated. They were praised for having the best parents and for having more faith than any other young person. And here I was, feeling invisible and broken, wondering if I was even seen by God.
I was 17 years old, and my entire view of church and faith was shaken. The same people who shunned me encouraged me to marry quickly, and within nine months, I was married. I now see that it was just another attempt to control me, to keep me tethered to a place that wasn’t nurturing my soul. I spent years trapped in that cycle — unhealed, unhappy, and doubting my worth. It wasn’t until 2008 that I finally walked away from that toxic environment, and even later, I walked away from my marriage because I knew we were both miserable and unhealed.
What’s been essential for me during this healing process, especially through therapy, is addressing all the wounds that tarnished my faith experience. I still have triggers when it comes to church. Even though I now have beautiful leaders and a church family who have no idea how much they’ve helped me heal, there’s still a barrier. I still struggle to step foot into a physical church because of the trauma from my past.
And if my mom ever found out, she’d be the first to remind me, “The building didn’t hurt you; God didn’t do anything wrong — it was the people.” She’s right, but healing takes time.
Lessons From My Journey of Spiritual Healing
Spiritual Abuse Can Tarnish Your Faith
It’s hard to separate the people who hurt you from your experience with God. But it’s important to remember that God isn’t the source of your pain — people are. Healing from spiritual abuse requires untangling your faith from the actions of those who misrepresented it.
Doubting Your Worth Doesn’t Change God’s View of You
For so long, I felt like I didn’t matter to God because of how I was treated by people in the church. But my worth isn’t tied to anyone’s approval. God sees my value, even when I don’t.
Triggers Are Real and They Take Time to Heal
Even after years of healing, I still struggle with certain aspects of church. I have a wonderful church family now, but the trauma from my past makes it hard to fully engage. That’s okay — it’s part of the journey.
The Building Didn’t Hurt You
This one comes straight from my mom. The church building didn’t cause the pain — the people did. But it’s still valid to feel hesitant about returning to a physical church. Healing is a process, and everyone’s timeline is different.
You Can Reclaim Your Faith
Just because your faith was once tarnished doesn’t mean it’s lost forever. Healing spiritually means reconnecting with God on your own terms, in a way that feels safe and true to you.
Today, I’m still on this journey of spiritual healing. I’ve come a long way, but there are still parts of me that need mending. I’m learning to separate my past trauma from my faith, to trust in God’s love for me, and to know that I am worthy of healing. If you’ve been hurt by the church or by people in it, know this: your journey isn’t over. Healing is possible, and God’s love for you hasn’t changed.